BarefootinBoston

I went and visited my mother, and mother in law, the past couple of days.  I was getting a bit bored being around here and wanted a change of scenery.  So E and I hopped in the car and went up north.  I was hoping to get maybe a little break from E, just a little.  I did get to sleep in, but wasn’t really given much of a break.  I guess I can’t ask for it all.

While I was there, I was talking with my mother about my grandparents.  They are moving into a retirement facility (not a ‘home’) in a few weeks.  My grandfather has immaculate degeneration and my grandmother is bi polar.  Makes for quite the pair.  My grandmother is also in the early stages of Alzheimer’s, so, it’s a bit messy.  My poor grandfather, not really being able to see much, has to cook for the both of them since my grandmother just ‘doesn’t feel like it’.  Boy, I hope that this is not the situation I get in with A when I get older.

I’m truly scared of the bi polar, manic depressive thing.  It’s apparently hereditary.   I feel like I already see parts of it in my mother.  She isn’t really manic or depressive, but some things just don’t seem right.  And sometimes I find myself saying or doing things my  mother has done, and it makes me worry.

The worst part is, I can’t do anything about it.  Well, I can be aware and educate myself on the sympotoms, therapy, etc., but it’s not like some other illnesses where you can (or we are told you can) partake in this or that to at least make the chances less.

So, although I’m a ‘mere’ 26, I’m already thinking of what may be happening to me 30, 40 years down the line.  Yikes.

Envy is one of the 7 deadly sins…why is it that this is what I always feel when I see a baby who is ‘behaving’; not crying, not fussing, not demanding.  Sure, people tell me all the time, that’s what babies do, and trust me, I understand.

But when E will not play on his own for 5 minutes, cries for an hour to no avail, regardless of what I do, there’s a little part of me that becomes jealous of the parents who have children who will play independetly, aren’t so darn stubborn and particular, and just let them have a minute here and there.

It all boils down to what I thought being a mother would be…this is not it.  I didn’t expect E to drain me this much of all my energy.  I was at MJ”s the other day and she was saying she felt badly for letting her son play in his crib for a little while as she rested a bit in her bed.  Gosh, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself!  E cries loudly if I don’t get him after a couple of minutes.

But, there we go again.  I love E for who he is, fussiness and all.  Of course, as I am finishing this up, he is waking up, after napping for maybe a half hour.  This is how he drains me…I get virtually no time to ‘refuel’ myself before he starts needing constant attention all over again.  How I miss those days when he would nap for at least 2 hours a day…

Yesterday was my first session of a class I am taking called Yoga and Mindful Parenting.  It’s offered by the local family network, and is FREE.  Not only is the class free,  but childcare for your little one, for two hours, is also free.  I have been both looking forward to and dreading the first class for weeks.

I love yoga.  It completely chills me out and puts me in an amazing relaxed state.  Since E, I haven’t done it at all.  I miss it terribly.  When I saw I could sign up for a free class, I was all for it.  Except, I was really afraid to put E into childcare for two hours.  Afraid that when I would get out of the class, the people would tell me that I have to find someplace else to bring him as he is too much for them to handle.

I got to the spot a half hour early so I could settle E into the place, talk to the providers, and get myself ready.  E was really excited by all the new toys and new faces.  I had a few tears in my eyes as I was talking with him about what I was doing and what he was going to be doing.  Then one of them women came over, talked to me, put E on her hip, I gave him a kiss, and I was off.

The whole class time all I could think about was E.  I have heard this gets better, and I hope so.   I’m interested to see what happens with the class.  It’s a mixed group of women (E is the youngest babe there) and there are a few of the mothers who don’t get out much who talk too much in the group too, which will make for an interesting, hopefully not too frustrating, class.

It will just be nice to have a few moments out of the day where I am spending time having adult conversation and doing some yoga.  I’m sure when the 8 weeks are up, I will be quite disappointed!