BarefootinBoston

This morning (the day of E’s 7th month birthday) we had to go to E’s doctor. He has been grabbing his ear and fussing when he’s eating, two ’signs’ of an ear infection. Well, long story short, no ear infection but he now weighs a whopping 19 lb 4.4 oz! On our way to see A for some coffee after the appointment, we were sitting at a red light when, smack, we were rear ended.

I had no idea what happened at first, but figured it out and pulled over to the side of the road (which A informed me I shouldn’t have done, and that I should have called the police).  I got out of my car, completey freaked out and freaking out, telling myself not to go crazy on this woman.  It was an older woman, apparently a grandmother, and she felt so badly.  There was no ‘apparent’ danger to the car, and of course E and I were ok.  It took me forever to gather her information, and just react to the situation.

Luckily I was on my way to see A, so he checked the car out too (he also couldn’t see any damage) and it was just nice to see him.  I was still freaking out and out of it…I was until a couple hours ago.

I’ve never been in an accident before, and this was so incredibly scary.  More scary than if I were alone in the car because I have such an amazing babe in the backseat, and it is my job to protect him.  I was simply waiting at a red light and bam!  got hit.

We are ok, or so it seems for now.  I’m waiting for a call back from the Dr.’s office for some signs of injury for E as a precaution.  I can’t imagine something is wrong with him, but just to be safe.  I on the other hand have a killer headache and am just achy, hopefully from carrying around my giant man than this accident.

It is no secret. I am incredibly afraid to die. Many nights I lay in bed, thinking that one day I will no longer be alive, and I get sick to my stomach. My heart starts racing, death being the only thing I can think about. I rationalize that this fear is due to such awful experiences with death. When is death an ok experience you may ask? Of course the answer is never. But, the people who I have known to go to the unknown world, each one’s passing was strange in its own way. My step-dad died when I was 15, my grandfather died, but I had to read about it in the paper, my step-dad’s parents both died, naturally, but once my step-dad died, we didn’t have contact with them much and it was a really odd relationship. A’s uncle died of cancer at a young age.

Needless to say I believe I do have an unhealthy fear of death, I suppose you could say I have panic attacks when I think of it. Now that I have E, there’s a whole new level to this.

As I was trying to fall asleep last night, I was thinking about how I’ve had this sore throat for weeks, convincing myself that it was some form of cancer (as A can vouch for me, I believe I have every possible form of cancer-I wouldn’t say I’m a hypochondriac, only in the sense of cancer), I thought about not seeing E grow up. This depresses me greatly. This is now one of my biggest fears.

Although E can be a challenge, I love waking up to his cooing every morning, knowing that I will see his smiling face, and that he is smiling at me because I am me. Even thinking about not seeing him grow up saddens me greatly. I cannot imagine not seeing his first step, his first birthday, his first day of school, his report cards, all of those things and more. I want so badly to live, not so that I can enjoy life, but so that I can enjoy seeing E live (of course I do want to enjoy life, but that seems to be 2nd in line).

Today I went to a new mom’s group with E-we went pretty regularly when he was a couple months old and have stopped going the past two months. Between illness, Jack, and just lacking motivation we haven’t been for a while. This morning we went. Once I got back, I don’t wonder what I’ve been missing.

When I used to go to the group, there were a few moms with babies all around the same age. People took their turns talking (like the civilized humans we are) and it was just good conversation.

Now there are babies E’s age, and ones several months younger.  Someone who hasn’t had a babe before may not think a few months is a large gap.  But boy is it ever.  The conversations that are now going on in the group could have been taped a replayed from previous sessions I’ve attended.  I know the group is not all about me or E, but I would like to have some discussion about the norms of an almost 7 month old.   Not quite so lucky.

I think it’s official.  I have outgrown the new mom’s group.  Even though I feel like an incredibly ‘new’ mom, the group is just not working for me.

Now where to?  There’s a baby lap sit at a local library, another ‘play’ group for kids E’s age, but I just have to investigate and get up the nerve to go to a new group.  It’s very intimidating walking into one of these, where everyone else knows each other and you’re the ‘new one’.  Luckily I have a cute babe to break the ice.