BarefootinBoston

Today was a day I was waiting for.  There was a baby boogie event at the library and I was hoping it would work out that E and I could go, and it did.  We got there and there were WAY too many kids and caregivers…just completely overwhelming.  Even more so the packs of women with their little ones, impenetrable by strangers and newcomers.  I figured I would stick it out for E’s benefit.

We were moved to a bigger room and it was mayhem.  But E was happy, enjoying all the little ones and the sounds, dancing to the music and singing along.

I was no where close to happy.  I felt so alone and isolated.  I have made some friends in my former town, but am lacking the true motivation to make them here.  Everyone with babes E’s age have made friends, and I don’t feel like being that strange woman who comes to talk with a group of women already talking, so I stand off with E, by myself, feeling like s*%t.

Motherhood is isolating, I have heard that, but never did I think I would feel this way.  Sure, I have friends, friends I can see at night when they aren’t working, friends who are a 20-30 minute drive away I can see during the day, but I have no one close by who I can call when I just want to go for a walk, or grab a cup of coffee.

Go to those playgroups, that is what people keep suggesting.  I do and find it more difficult time after time.  I smile at mothers, strike up some conversations, but they lead no where.  What is wrong with me?  I would like to think I don’t look like a crazy lady, and don’t give off that aura.  But how can I truly tell?

I suppose the silver lining for today (aside from the beautiful weather) is that I ran into a woman from my childbirth class at the baby boogie thing.  It was so nice to see a familiar, friendly face.

I recently thought about this.  Initially I started to blog because it’s a good way to get business info out there (see first post…whoops).  Then, I started to rant and rave on my blog.  I find it’s very therapeutic to just type away.  It has been a great way for me to record some first of E’s, as well as my feelings about being a new mom.  More recently, I have been very intrigued with getting hits.  For some reason, it makes me happy that other people are reading my blog.

That’s when it hit me, stop looking at the blog stats.  Sure, it’s kinda neat that there are random people out there, searching on search engines, browsing through blogs, that stumble upon mine.  And they actually stop to read it.  But, I need to go back to why I am blogging…not to get people to read what I write, but more to just to get my thoughts out of my system and somewhere that, should I want to in the future, I can look back.

So, back to blogging the way I ‘wanted’ to (after I decided to stop the business part..), and not so much checking out the stats, however interesting it may be.

Today I went to a new mom’s group with E-we went pretty regularly when he was a couple months old and have stopped going the past two months. Between illness, Jack, and just lacking motivation we haven’t been for a while. This morning we went. Once I got back, I don’t wonder what I’ve been missing.

When I used to go to the group, there were a few moms with babies all around the same age. People took their turns talking (like the civilized humans we are) and it was just good conversation.

Now there are babies E’s age, and ones several months younger.  Someone who hasn’t had a babe before may not think a few months is a large gap.  But boy is it ever.  The conversations that are now going on in the group could have been taped a replayed from previous sessions I’ve attended.  I know the group is not all about me or E, but I would like to have some discussion about the norms of an almost 7 month old.   Not quite so lucky.

I think it’s official.  I have outgrown the new mom’s group.  Even though I feel like an incredibly ‘new’ mom, the group is just not working for me.

Now where to?  There’s a baby lap sit at a local library, another ‘play’ group for kids E’s age, but I just have to investigate and get up the nerve to go to a new group.  It’s very intimidating walking into one of these, where everyone else knows each other and you’re the ‘new one’.  Luckily I have a cute babe to break the ice.