In two days, it will be 4 weeks since Jack was put down. As the days pass, I feel myself remembering him in happier terms rather than being sad every time I think of him. I thought that I was healing and moving forward. I think I have fallen back many steps.
I realized today again, for the millionth time, that I will never see Jack again. His pictures, ashes, little traces that he’s left behind (smudged windows on the french doors from his nose) are all that I have left of him. I cannot even begin to imagine not seeing him again. It hasn’t become a reality yet and I am not sure that it ever will.
There are still times during the day where I think he’s still here. Last night we had one of A’s co workers over for dinner. As he was leaving, I was thinking about A having to walk Jack when I realized that he was gone. These things still happen daily. Admittedly less frequent then before, but just as painful.
We went to the vets and got Jack’s ashes two weeks ago. I also thought this could bring some closure. It’s nice to have him back and know where he is, but having him here is also very difficult. We plan on burying him at my mother’s house, but the ground is frozen and covered in snow up there, so we have to wait. While we’re waiting, Jack’s ashes sit on a bookshelf in our living room, looking out the window and watching over us. Everytime I look at the box, I am filled with sadness. Everytime.
I guess I underestimated how important he was to me. He was essentially my baby while we had him, up until E was born. Every minute I was home, he was by my side, only leaving it to go lay in his bed when I was spending too much time washing the dishes. He insisted upon being right next to me, or A, all of the time. When we first adopted Jack, we let him sleep in our bed. He started out by our feet and then moved himself up towards our heads. It was then that we decided that he would sleep in his own bed. But he just wanted to be near us. We would put him in his bed and he would keep jumping up into our bed, over and over. He was extremely persistent and stubborn, much like E I suppose. I do think he was preparing us for our little guy and am thankful to Jack for that.
I just wish I didn’t miss him so much every day.
